For as long we’ve created music for the masses, parents and politicians across the world have been quick to complain that our children are being exposed to violent and overtly sexual messages. Hip-hop in particular has been a lightning rod for controversy especially when it comes to vulgar and raunchy lyrics. Because hip-hop has always had such a huge target on its back, many artists have become masters at hiding disguising their really dirty lyrics through the use of creative metaphors which seem innocent to anyone who doesn’t understand their true meaning. That’s great for us adults but I will admit I find it a bit awkward, and sometimes amusing, when I hear a 5th grader unknowingly singing a song about squirting jizz onto a girls face.

So with that said here is a list of the 8 raunchiest rap songs kids love to sing.

08. Next – “Too Close”

In 1997 I was a wide-eyed 15 year old freshmen being driven to school by a gorgeous blonde senior named Jenny. Every morning Jenny let me pick the music we’d listen to and for a little over a month the song “Too Close” by Next was by far my number one choice. One day Jenny turned to me and said “I think it’s pretty fitting that a freshmen boy would be so obsessed with a song about uncontrollably popping a boners”. I was completely embarrassed and simultaneously baffled by her statement. My red face and look of utter confusion must have given me away because Jenny then restarted the song and told me to listen to the lyrics. Like a blind man seeing for the first time I sat back and felt a little bit stupider with every passing verse. I mean how could I not have understood this? The first line of the song is “I wonder if she could tell I’m hard right now”. That was the last time I played “Too Close”, I spent the remainder of the semester playing Mase Harlem World on repeat at least I knew what Mase meant when he sang about buying E Class Benzes.

07. Lil John & The Eastside Boys “Get Low”

Using nothing more than a basic synthesizer and a few simple catch phrases Lil Jon has managed to pump out some of the most infectious rap anthems of the last 5 years. None more catchy than the track he produced with The Eastside Boyz “Get Low”. Get Low featured some obviously explicit lines like “to the sweat drops down my balls.(MY BALLS)” but the reason it ended up on this list is for popularizing the phrase “skeet skeet”. “Skeet skeet” refers to the act of shooting jizz onto a girl’s face, ass, tits, etc. Until Dave Chappelle pointed this out to everyone on Chappelle’s show you couldn’t walk 10 feet without hearing some kid yelling “skeet skeet mother fucker!” While it may have been funny to watch a kid unknowingly tell his friends he wanted to cum on their faces after an awesome basketball shot, I think everyone felt pretty dirty when the whole truth was exposed.

06. Lil Wayne “Lollipop”

Lil Wayne is undoubtedly the one of the best rappers in the game today. His latest album, The Carter 3, is flawless. Every track could be a hit single. It has to be one of the best hip-hop albums of the last five years, perhaps one of the best ever. The first single off The Carter 3 is an insanely catchy little number called Lollipop. Upon first inspection you may think lollipop is a coy yet innocent song about a sweet candy treat. But you would be shocked to discover that Wayne is not actually singing about his love for lollipops but is in fact singing about blow jobs. While most school kids may not grasp the true meaning of this song, they must be at the very least be concerned about an impending cooties outbreak all this licking is sure to bring. No in case you are wondering whether this song is about getting or giving a blow job Lil Wayne clears up all confusion by starting the track off with the words “Uh huh, no homo”. Thanks LW.

05. Kelis “Milkshake”

Attention middle school girls everywhere! The secret to getting all the boys to like you is making the perfect milkshake! For me that means chocolate and vanilla ice cream with peanuts, Oreos 2% milk and lots of Hershey’s syrup. This is the lesson we can learn from Kelis’ hit song “Milkshake”. In the song Kelis generously offers to teach all the girls how to make the perfect milkshake “but [she] has to charge”. Sounds like a good deal right? Not when you realize that “Milkshake” like Lil Wayne’s Lollipop, is just another raunchy metaphor for giving a blow job. Kelis should be ashamed of herself for teaching middle school girls everywhere that the only way to bring “all the boys to the yard” is to go down on as many guys as possible and sell these trade secrets to other girls for money, like a whore.

04. D4L “Laffy Taffy”

Clearly using candy and other sugary treats is a popular way to disguise the true explicit meaning of your song. D4L’s song Laffy Taffy is no exception. According to www.urbandictionary.com “Laffy Taffy is a slang term for the female genitalia– more specifically, the labia minora– so termed for it’s resemblance to stretched (pink) laffy taffy. Therefore, the term may also carry with it connotation of excessive sexual intercourse which can result in a stretched or elongated labia minora.” Not much else to say so I’ll just point out my favorite line in the song: “Gurl you don kno’, Ima toss da laffy taffy. Toss it flip it and slap it. Bust a couple of nuts. And get right back at it”. Just as Willy Wonka intended.

03. Christina Aguilera, Mya, Pink and Lil Kim – “Lady Marmalade”

For the entire summer of 2003 you the entire world was collectively hypnotized by Christina Aguilera, Mya, Pink and Lil Kim’s remake of Lady Marmalade. The song and accompanying music were utterly unavoidable. Much like Next’s “Too Close” I’m sure you could go the rest of your life without ever realizing that this song was overtly sexual. This updated version of a 1974 song by Labelle is about cajun prostitutes selling their vaginas. “Giuchie giuchie ya ya da dada” translating to “Get your vagina here daddy”. Of course if you spoke French you wouldn’t be surprised at all because the chorus of the song is “would you like to sleep with me?”. The quirky lyrics and colorful music video inspired a generation of tweens to dress like whores so I guess we should be thankful???

02. Rihanna – “Umbrella”

Perhaps the most surprising song on this list is Rihanna’s Umbrella, or as it might as well be called; Rihanna’s Vagina. Don’t get me wrong I think it’s brilliant that Rihanna fooled the whole world with this song. You may not believe me but listen to the song right now and tell me that it’s not obviously about Rihanna letting her boyfriend finish inside her without a condom. I am an especially big fan of how the whole song builds to a pulsating release with her moaning the lines “ella, elle , eh eh. Under my umbrella”. What a dirty girl.

01. Soulja Boy – “Crank That”

There’s a reason Soulja Boy’s song Crank That was such a massive hit with middle school kids everywhere. It was incredibly catchy, it had an easy to follow dance which was broadcast millions of times on youtube and most of the lyrics were so retarded and nonsensical only a 7th grade boy could ever possibly enjoy it. But what is 17 year old Soulja Boy singing about? Well the entire song is practically dedicated to sexual acts some of which most 12 year olds wont experience for a decade. First the song is called Crank That, which means to jerk off. Second Soulja Boy mentions “super soaking that hoe”, take a wild guess what that means. And my personal favorite is when he encourages listeners to “Superman that hoe”. Now what could this possibly mean? To Superman is when a girl wont give you any sex so you let her fall asleep then masturbate on her back and stick the bed sheet to her so when she wakes up she’s wearing a cape! How could a middle school boy not love this song?

So there you have it, the 8 raunchiest rap songs kids love to sing. I hope we didn’t come off as prude. Believe me we are far from it, but we do get a little uncomfortable when we hear our nephews, nieces, little brothers and little sisters triumphantly singing about some very dirty sex acts. Congrats to these artists for slipping one by the American people and we look forward to all the creative metaphors you come up with in the future to describe various deprave sexual activities! Now I need to go superman dat hoe.

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