Last year Nas released an album apocalyptically titled Hip-Hop is Dead. Well, we here at obviously disagree, but we do feel that over the years several white rappers have been responsible for some atrocious acts that came very close to killing hip-hop once and for all. These nine acts of musical crime literally brought hip-hop to the brink of death, and now we must learn from the past to ensure history never repeats itself. Why only 9? Because the man wouldn’t let us have 10.

British Loser on X Factor

This British teenager is convinced that he has the look, the personality and most important the talent to become a massive rap superstar. He even claims to have drawn comparisons to his idol Eminem. Unfortunately the only thing this reject shares with Eminem is they both need a solid SPF 50 when they go to the beach.

Average Homeboy Denny Blaze

The late 80’s were a crazy time in America. Wall Street was boomed then bombed, crack was ravaging the inner cities of America, and hip hop started to become mainstream. Amidst all this chaos, a determined white kid from Cleveland by the name of Denny Blaze released a self-produced rap album and homemade music video. The video was sent to all the major record labels and most copies were immediately destroyed for the sake of humanity. But one copy survived and was unleashed onto the internet almost 20 years later. Within 24 hours the video had racked up millions of views as the world was painfully introduced to The Average Homeboy.

John Brown and the White Rapper Show

Now the whole “White Rapper Show” is an embarrassment to white people. The awful contestant selection guaranteed that this show would be the laughingstock of the hip-hop world throughout the entire season. Although we had a wealth of talentless contestants to choose from, John Brown is the one I am featuring because his whole image and persona scream to the world what a joke he is. And If you weren’t already laughing, on the show he frequently referred to himself as the “King of the ‘burbs”, thank you for making me cringe more John Brown.

John Cena Fake Rap Battles Fan

John Cena should be ashamed of himself. Not for that god awful piece of garbage movie The Marine, but for introducing an army of impressionable young wrestling fans to the world of rap battles. Every time this block of wood raps in public thousands of talentless middle class white kids get false hope that they too will someday be a professional rapper/actor/wrestler. When in reality they will just end up spending the next couple years annoying the shit out of their parents and future co-workers at Dairy Queen.

Limp Bizkit Rollin’ Urban Assault Vehicle remix

Fred Durst’s late 90’s fame will go down as one of the greatest mysteries the world has ever known. And he wasn’t just famous, for about a year he was a fucking superstar, one of the biggest in the world. Famous enough where he actually claims to have boned Britney Spears and Mandy Moore, and as crazy as that sounds today, it wasn’t that unreasonable back in 1999. Even the Hip-Hop community was briefly fooled with truly talented artists like Method Man, DMX and Redman actually agreeing to collaborate with the balding red-capped ass-clown. Fortunately the dotcom bubble wasn’t the only unsustainable phenomenon built on lies and general public ignorance to suddenly burst in the early 2000’s. I don’t know where Fred Durst is today, nor do I care, I just hope he realizes that he got away with one of the biggest scams in history and for that he deserves every loogie that gets launched on him on a daily basis wherever he goes.

Vanilla Ice Play That Funky Music

What hasn’t already been said about Vanilla Ice? We all know the story and we all knew he had to appear on this list. Even though the American Public has recently had a cautious reconciliation with Mr. Van Winkle after a not so terrible appearance on VH1’s The Surreal Life, the scars he left may never heal. Who knows how many talented white rappers never got their chance because we were still years away from accepting another Caucasian MC? To mix things up a bit, we’re not pointing out his most famous crime against hip-hop “Ice Ice Baby” and instead going with the less known but equally awful song Play That Funky Music.

Karl Rove Raps at the White House Correspondents Dinner

Considering Karl Rove is the right-wing mastermind behind arguably the most anti-urban political party and presidency of the last 150 years, I think it is safe to say that he represents the exact polar opposite of the hip-hop community. In fact he is hip-hop’s worst enemy. Which is why when he whipped out alter ego “MC Rove” at last year’s White House Correspondent’s dinner he dealt a particularly deadly blow to the hip-hop community. And knowing Rove, I bet he did it on purpose. He was probably hoping that his performance would leave hip-hop fans so fractured and disenfranchised that their entire community would implode forever.

Brian Austin Green

Some Atheists will point to the many daily tragedies, murders and overall violence in the world as proof that there is no God. I think a much more reasonable argument for God either not existing or being innately evil is Brian Austin Green’s life. If God was truly a loving and reasonable being then Brian Austin Green would have died from that flesh eating virus years ago. But instead of being punished for his acts of utter cruelty on 90210 he is somehow lives on and even thrives. In fact he actually managed to have sex with the hottest girl on the planet Megan Fox. As long as we live in a world where Brian Austin Green is allowed to even listen to hip-hop let alone attempt to participate in it and he continues to bang Megan Fox then there clearly can be no God.

Kevin Federline PopoZao

I debated whether or not Kevin Federline’s disastrous 2006 foray into hip-hop even qualified to make this list since it was universally panned and did not make any impact what-so-ever on the world. I think he sold a grand total of 300 CDs, all of which were bought drunkenly as a joke. But even though he did not sell 30 million albums like his Vanilla flavored predecessor, the fact that he was able to create an entire album of “music”, release three singles and even a music video feels like the equivalent of a back alley gang rape. Maybe Federline’s failure/success means we as a society have finally learned from prior mistakes and are able to reject utter garbage like his before it has a chance to hurt someone. Or maybe we should all be terrified that it has gotten so easy for any white jackass with a coupon for 2 free hours of studio time, a pony tail and a fading pop star girlfriend to participate in hip-hop on such a large scale. As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger so hopefully hip-hop isn’t dead as Nas claimed but instead is stronger than ever and ready to take 6 bullets at once without flinching, like Fiddy.






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